Home
by KissingChaos
Summary: RyanSeth. Seth didn't leave a note for Ryan because he didn't have to.


Disclaimer: Not my boys, not my orange county. Post-finale. Ryan/Seth slash, you were warned, blahblahblah.   
A/N: Massive, huge, amazing thanks to my beta. heart

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By the time Ryan realized he was completely in love with Seth, he was pretty sure it was too late to do anything about it. Even though he was wearing his old leather jacket, he felt naked standing by Seth's bed. Vulnerable. Exposed. Standing there, so desperately longing for one more hug, tightening his fists and clenching his jaws, trying not to throw himself into Seth's arms, trying so hard to keep his tears from falling. Standing. Trying.

And Seth's voice was cold, and he wouldn't look at him, but Ryan knew that Seth's heart was breaking, too. And he knew he could stop it. He knew that he could drop his bag, take three steps, press himself into Seth's body, and never, ever leave. But he was frozen, immobile, and when his legs finally carried his body, he was out the door, down the stairs, and in the car. And it was over.

Later, Kirsten called him sobbing, told him that Seth had taken his boat and left notes for Summer and his parents. "We looked everywhere," she said, sadly. "We couldn't find a note for you, Ryan. I'm sure it's here somewhere." But she didn't sound sure, and Ryan could hear her silently questioning why there was no note for him. Ryan understood, though. Seth didn't leave a note for Ryan because he didn't have to. Of all the people Seth had left behind as he sailed away from Newport, Ryan was the only one who would need no explanation. Ryan knew everything that Seth could never have written. They were all the things Ryan couldn't say instead of good-bye.

Five weeks later, Kirsten called again. A short voicemail, no tears. "He'll be home tomorrow. Maybe you could come for dinner. Seth's last meal, of course, since Sandy and I are going to kill him. Call me. Love you."

Ryan clicked the phone closed. Tomorrow. He sat back in the lawn chair and closed his eyes. He had the day off, but he didn't know whether he would go to Newport. He knew no one else would be there to greet Seth, besides Sandy and Kirsten. Caleb, Julie, Caitlyn and Marissa were in Europe for the summer, and with Summer, since she had decided to tag along to protect Marissa from her family and protect herself from sitting home alone, alternating between worrying sick about Seth and plotting painful, bloody ways to kill him. Not that it mattered, though, as Ryan was sure Seth would be grounded until graduation, at least. Maybe through his first year of college.

Ryan's heart ached as the image of him and Seth at college flashed through the back of his mind. His eyes flew open and he shook his head slightly, pushing the image back into the recesses of his mind with the rest of his life in Newport. He heard the screen door slam shut behind him, but he didn't turn around. He exhaled deeply and extinguished his cigarette on the bottom of his boot. When Teresa sat in the chair beside his, he turned to her and tried to smile. 

"You should be in bed."

"So should you," she said, her voice raspy. She had been crying again. "I saved you some empanadas. They're in the oven."

"I saw them. I'm not hungry. Thank you, though." Ryan inhaled and exhaled again deeply.

"Ryan," Teresa said, steeling her voice. "Seth called today."

Ryan's entire body tensed, but he didn't move. Seth called. Today. Where was he?

"Why didn't you tell me he was gone?" Teresa's voice sounded hurt. Ryan looked at her.

"I didn't want to worry you."

"For five weeks? He's been gone for five weeks, and you never mentioned anything, Ryan. You never talk about Newport, you never return Sandy and Kirsten's calls, you haven't visited once." Teresa took a breath. "Don't you want to know why he called?"

Ryan shrugged, but his heart was racing.

Teresa's voice was angry now. "Ryan, I can't do this anymore. I know that you're here for me, and this baby, but you're not here. Not really. You go for days without eating, without speaking to anyone, you refuse to go talk to one of the guidance counselors at the high school. You pretend to sleep, but I know you lie awake for hours at night, because I do, too." She paused, her voice beginning to shake. "Ryan, I can't do this anymore. And I can't ask you to do it either." Ryan looked over at her, and opened his mouth to speak, but she held up a hand to stop him. "No. I can't do this. I've talked to my mom, a lot, and I've decided to give the baby up for adoption. We're going tomorrow to talk to a lawyer. Then I'm going to finish school and graduate, like I should. I'm not ready to be a parent. And neither are you. And you don't want to be here with me, not really. Not in your heart." She smiled sadly. "Your heart isn't in Chino anymore, Ryan, and it hasn't been for a while. Your heart has spent the summer on a sail boat somewhere in the Pacific."

Ryan looked at Teresa intently, his eyes wide with surprise. She smiled again, her eyes tender. "Ryan, I love you. And I know you better than anyone, and I miss you. But Chino isn't home for you anymore." Teresa stood up and placed her hand on Ryan's shoulder. "Go home, Ryan." She kissed the top of his head and walked towards the house. She paused, then turned back around. "Ryan?"

He turned to look at her. "Hmm?"

"He'll be home at six o'clock this morning. He told his parents he'd be home later. He wants to see you first." Smiling, she turned back and walked into the house.

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Ryan sat on the dock, swinging his feet nervously. He checked his watch for the fifth time in that many minutes. Seth should be there by now.

It had taken him less than an hour to pack his few things and say good-bye to Teresa. He had promised to call her later that day to tell her how things went, and he meant it. Not counting the ten minutes he spent putting gas in his old pickup, he had made it to Newport in 46 minutes. He didn't know what else to do, so he headed to the dock. He had grabbed a package of powdered donuts at the gas station and eaten them as he watched the sunrise over the ocean. It was the most amazing thing he had ever seen.

And now he sat, almost-patiently waiting, absent-mindedly picking white powdered sugar from his jeans. He searched in his backpack for change to get another Coke, and when he looked back up, he saw Seth's boat on the horizon and his heart skipped a beat. Several beats. He stood up and watched as Seth sailed excruciatingly slow into the dock. The side of the Summer Breeze knocked against the dock and Ryan almost lost his footing. He stepped back and watched as Seth secured the boat to the dock, and his mouth was dry. He wished he had a chance to get that Coke.

Seth stepped off the boat and started to walk over to Ryan. The first thing Ryan noticed was how much color Seth had gotten on the boat. His white shirt was a stark contrast to his bronze arms and his hair was considerably lighter, although still as unruly. Ryan watched Seth move, gracefully climbing off the boat and towards him, an uncertain, unreadable look on his face. Ryan began walking towards him, almost subconsciously, and they both stopped about a foot away from each other.

"Hey."

"Hey."

Seth squinted in the sunlight as he looked at Ryan. Ryan self-consciously smoothed the front of his shirt. "You're tan."

Seth smiled, his teeth dazzling against his tan face, and Ryan's heart leapt again. "There's a lot less shade on the ocean than I had originally thought. You'd be surprised."

Ryan smiled, and his shoulders relaxed a little. He stood, unsure of what to say next.

"Dude, are you hungry? I am starving, and if I ever see peanut butter again, I will throw up. And die."

Ryan nodded. Suddenly, he was hungrier than he had been in weeks.

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Ryan sipped his coffee carefully as Seth ordered everything involving pancakes that the menu had to offer. He smiled to himself as Seth put too much cream and sugar in his own coffee.

"So, how was Catalina?"

"Beautiful. It's an amazing place. I'll have to take you there someday. I think you'd love it."

Ryan suddenly felt a little lightheaded, and he took another sip of his coffee. He couldn't remember the last time he'd had a good cup of coffee.

"What time do your parents think you're getting home?"

Seth smiled. "I told them I'd be in around seven. I figured that would give me the entire day to beg your forgiveness before I have to start begging for theirs." Seth looked down at the sugar packet he had been fidgeting with. "I'm glad you came."

Ryan nodded. "Actually, I'm, uh, I'm going home with you." Seth looked up quickly. "I'm coming home."

"Really?"

Ryan nodded.

"What about…?" Seth motioned with his hands.

"Teresa decided to give the baby up for adoption. She's going to get her diploma. It's the best thing for her, really."

Seth nodded. "What about you?"

"What do you mean?"

"How do you feel about that?"

Ryan took a deep breath. "Honestly? Relieved. Is that horrible?"

Seth shook his head, and Ryan continued. "I wasn't ready to be a parent. I didn't want to leave school, or Newport, or your parents. Or you." Ryan swallowed difficultly.

"Then why did you?" Ryan saw a flicker of pain dance across Seth's eyes, but it was gone as quickly as it appeared. He started to speak, but Seth cut him off. "No, don't answer that. I didn't mean it. I know why you left."

"What about you?" Ryan looked Seth in the eyes. "Why did you leave, Seth?"

Seth met Ryan's gaze and sighed. "You know why I left, Ry."

"You didn't leave me a note."

Seth's eyes were hurt again. "I didn't think I would need to." Just then the waitress arrived with their food, and they ate in silence. After the waitress took his plate, and while Seth started in on his second stack of pancakes, Ryan excused himself to the bathroom. He splashed cold water on his face and stared at himself in the mirror. There were dark circles under his eyes, and small wrinkles around the edges of his temples. He frowned, and the wrinkles got bigger. He couldn't remember the last time he had slept longer than four hours, but he was fairly certain it was not in Chino. Until that moment, Ryan had thought he knew why Seth had left Newport, but now uncertainty was clouding his heart. What if he was wrong about why Seth had left? About the way Seth felt?

"Ryan?" Seth called as he walked into the bathroom.

Ryan grabbed some paper towels and dried off his face as Seth rounded the corner. His face was tinged with concern. "Hey, are you okay?"

Ryan nodded. "Yeah, man, I'm okay." He smiled. "Too many pancakes."

Seth smiled. "You wouldn't make it past Nevada on the Pancake Tour, man. It's sad." His eyes darkened with concern again. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"I paid the bill. You ready to go?"

Ryan nodded again, and followed Seth out of the bathroom. As they climbed into the truck, Seth asked, "So, what do you want to do now? We still have a few hours to kill before we have to be back at the dock to meet my parents."

Ryan shrugged, but he headed towards a place on the beach, someplace usually secluded where he had gone after long shifts at the Crab Shack to clear his mind before heading home. Once there, he walked down to the water and sat down. Seth followed, sitting closer than Ryan had expected.

After a long silence, Seth finally spoke. "So, are you sure we're okay? Because I don't particularly feel okay, Ryan, I gotta tell you."

Ryan stared out into the blue. He had always made rash decisions, always spoke before thinking. He knew that he was risking everything, but certain things needed to be said. He spoke quietly.

"I love you."

Seth turned toward him slowly, but Ryan couldn't look at him. Inside, he winced.

"Wait, what?"

"I'm sorry that I left you. I understand why you left, why you were so cold when we said good-bye. I understand why you didn't leave me a note." Ryan looked over at Seth, tears threatening the edges of his eyes. "I love you, Seth. And I'm sorry."

Seth sat silently, motionless, for a minute, and when he moved to speak, he couldn't find the words. "Ryan, I—I mean, I don't…"

Ryan was up on his feet in a second. "It's okay, Seth. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I just thought I should tell you that I understand." Ryan started walking down the beach, away from Seth, but Seth was up in less than a second, his hand on Ryan's wrist.

"No, wait." Ryan turned around, tears stinging his eyes now, and he could see Seth was almost crying, too.

"I didn't mean that, Ryan. I just…I don't know what to say." Seth took another step towards Ryan. "That's not true. I know exactly what to say." Seth closed the remainder of the distance between and cupped Ryan's chin in his hand. "I love you, too, Ryan" and he wanted to say more, but there was a catch in his throat, and suddenly Ryan's lips were pressed against his and Ryan's arms were wrapped around his waist and all he could do was sink into Ryan's chest and kiss him. Ryan's tongue pressed against his, and Seth sucked Ryan's bottom lip into his mouth and Ryan gasped slightly, and when he pulled his head back, Seth's eyes were still closed, his lips shiny and red.

Ryan nestled his forehead in the curve of Seth's neck, and lightly kissed his collabone. Seth pressed his cheek into Ryan's temple, and they stood there, arms around each other, for what seemed like forever.

"Ryan?" Seth whispered.

"Hmm?"

"We have to go meet my parents, like, soon…" Seth's heart sank. He never wanted to move from that spot on the beach, but…

Ryan nodded slightly. He knew, eventually, they would have to move. But he just wanted one more moment. He looked up at Seth.

"Seth?"

"Hmm?"

"Welcome home." Ryan smiled.

"Thanks," Seth returned Ryan's smile. "You too."


End file.
